I should preface this with the words “I am lucky”, which is in quotes because I have been told by a great many people that I am. My fiancé and I are essential workers and continue to be employed, have medical benefits and don’t need to worry where or how we will come by our next meal. Our rent is frozen, so despite not being able to find a home, our monthly bill remains the same. We bought our regular toilet paper supply 2 weeks before the panic started and we are able to use a combination of store pick up and strategic shopping timing to get most everything we need.
In that regard, we are lucky.
There is also a new vocabulary we get to use on a daily basis, “social distancing” being my new favorite because now I have words to politely tell people to get away from me. I don’t know where this phrase was during my early years, but I’m going to get a lot of mileage out of it now. Hearing the phrase “unprecedented times” now causes me to hunch my shoulders and snarl, but that is just from the hold recording at Perry’s vet office and the commercials overusing the phrase. It is “unprecedented” if you’re considering it from a modern perspective, but pandemics have happened before. Business was different, the economy was still trying to recover from war, and it was kind of a big deal. None of the people I know personally were alive, but the country still exists. Historically how did we do that? I don’t know because I hate history, but I’m pretty sure someone has looked it up. Obviously recovery is possible, hopefully without needing another war since WW2 is how we recovered I think. Again, I’m not good at history. I’m terrible with names and date no matter if they are past or current.
Rambling story short, no matter who is the face of this country, it will recover. It will be somber, but the global economy will recover and history will be written congratulating one person or another for the cure and blaming another for the disease. History is always written with bias and there is no way around personal opinion in text.
What I’m struggling with is misinformation and understanding the new rules for being in the world. There are face masks and business models and new procedures for access. Learning the new sick leave rules and procedures, special circumstances under which we can be sent home and made to stay there, or at the very least not be at work. I don’t know what to think or feel and I feel guilty for having an opinion about what others are doing since I’m “lucky”. At the same time though, I am frustrated and angry at the blatant disregard of others.
Perry has suffered the most through this shelter in place requirement. Her dog park is closed, making her lonelier and more reactive when she encounters friends in the world. She is now less comfortable with other people, so the whole drive through experience with a Perry is a dozen times worse than it was before and the volume has been maxed out. I might need a hearing aid from house shopping with her vehemently insisting that the real estate guy get the heck away from us. Maybe he’s trying to help her get us a yard; maybe he’s trying to lure us into a stranger danger situation. Perry is taking no chances with our safety and because dogs can get each other sick, we are doing the right thing and not taking chances with hers. Except when Ventura County dog parks were open, she’s been twice but we always put fresh clean water out.
She stopped eating for a while. She just gave up being interested in food, instead grabbing toys to run around and do anything besides eat. Not eating lead to two trips to the vet (hence, the hold recording), where we had to drop her off with the facility and leave. I had to leave my dog alone at the vet with people she has never met. It was terrifying and heart aching, causing a low level anxiety attack the whole time she was there. My chest was tight, I struggled to breath and I did not feel well again until she was safely with me once more. Right up until I tried to remove her bandage from the blood draw and she bit my finger. Then I considered maybe taking her back for some tooth removal.
The poor girl has also lost access to one of her humans when we could no longer have her dog walker come over. It took her world from 3 regular humans back down to two and I think she is suffering. I have no idea how to help her and it kills me. She needs more dogs and more people and couldn’t get access to either safely for over a month. I was terrified when we took her back to the dog park for the first time. Terrified she would have lost her socialization and mingling skills. She did amazing though and was excellent at making friends. Frankly, she makes me look like the poster child for antisocialism. Despite this, I was proud of my family and my community, doing what they could so nurses were able to help those in need without unnecessary extras.
My priority is keeping my family healthy and safe. However that is possible, I want to see it happen. Be it wearing facemasks, washing my hands, carrying hand sanitizer or drinking bleach (JK, I would not allow any members of my family to do that), I will do whatever I can. I’m a member of the global community and I will do my part to help and protect others whatever ways the experts recommend. I am not an expert; I can only trust the people who are. If experts are saying stay home unless it is an essential business, I will go to home viewings in a mask and rubber gloves and sign 10 million electronic documents saying that I understand the risks and will not touch anything for everyone’s safety. It is not hard to follow the directions of experts.
Also, dogs on the internet because they are super cute and trustworthy. They always call you out on the bamboozles.
Then the protests started and the conspiracy theories (well, those were always there, but more people started to believe them reasonable and I had to look them up). It just doesn’t make sense to me. People think it is their right to come into contact with possibly infected persons and the government shouldn’t take away their choice, but they also go to places that there is no choice but to go. The grocery store, for example, is a place everyone still needs to go. Why do you get to disregard mine and my family’s safety because you think you should have the right to do whatever you want?
Guess what? You couldn’t do whatever you wanted before the virus. Yes, you can do less now, but you aren’t in prison. If you walk out of your front door in an air strike during WW2, yes you are making a choice that can kill you. No, the government did not bar your window and tell you to stay because they didn’t want you to die. They simply documented the death and moved on (I assume, maybe they didn’t care and were like “Oh well, that idiot is dead. Probably should have listened”). When that happened though, the only life at risk was your own. Gathering in spite of stay home recommendations is endangering everyone you come into contact with after your contact with the area of your choosing. Seriously “your fear should not dictate my life”? Fantastic, then you need to shut up about abortion, transgender bathroom usage and prostitution. My body, my life, my rights means that everyone else’s is theirs too. Down this same path, we should just let people use narcotics willy nilly because it is their right and their body. Honestly, I’m so ready to just let the stupid people kill each other and we will just be where we are.
Which brings me to the guilt, since I can go to work and take care of my financial responsibilities; maybe I don’t get an opinion on what everyone else does. Maybe I shouldn’t be hopeful that these protestors will encounter a contaminated person and suffer the consequences for their hypocrisy that somehow they can demand rights while refusing them to others. Which is mean spirited and probably rude, but I think they should endure the consequences for their protest the same way persons of color and women suffer for their protests.
So here I am, feeling guilty and hoping that people get their comeuppance for being entitled jerks and trying to keep everyone safe while planning a wedding and trying to find a house so Perry can get a yard and a sibling. I am barely keeping it together and yet I still have to smile and listen as people tell me that I am a sheep for wanting to do the right thing. It’s not about rights; it’s about doing what is right.
But who am I? No one is listening to me anyway.
