P & P to the Rescue

Part One: Perry

By: E. N. Crane

These humans need me, Perry thought from the back seat.

She’d just been picked up from the Los Angeles County Animal Care and Control in Lancaster, California and was on her way to her forever home.  

Or at least that’s what she’d overheard at the shelter before being poked and prodded one last time by the creepy woman in the lab coat. Though the woman ended the exam with the same number of fingers she started it with, Perry had considered eating one to make a point.

The little white car was traveling south on the 14 and though she hadn’t been alive for long, this was going to be her first real home.

In the front seat, her new paw-rents were speaking to each other quietly while the man rifled through the paperwork. It was a rather impressive stack of adoption papers, but Perry couldn’t concentrate on what they were saying.

“Wait, what?” He exclaimed, but Perry remained curled up, enjoying the first quiet moments she’d had in months. The shelter was loud, non-stop barking and humans walking past, not seeing or caring that she was there. In this new silence, it was restful and gave her time to plot. “She’s not five!”

The woman turned toward the man and cocked her head to the side for an explanation.

“When the previous owners surrendered her, they marked her age at one and a half. This isn’t an old dog some mean humans dumped in the pound for a newer model, this is a puppy!”

“Well… I did always want a puppy,” she said, eyeing Perry in the rearview mirror. The beautiful German Shepherd had been listed as Sky on the website, a resident of the county lock-up for two and a half months. The kennel attendant had to trap her just to get her out of Dog House Number Three so they could interact with her.

Safely in the meet and greet kennel, the woman stealthily slid treats out of her purse to bribe canine affection. The once homeless dog evaded the treats, pets and eye contact. It was too much trust and affection for humans who’d probably leave her behind.

When they’d taken her home, she hardly believed it was forever.

After all, humans had already let her down once.

“We’ll have to hit up the pet store and get her food,” the woman said, noting that the tip of Perry’s tail wagged. She’d lost ten pounds in her time with the county. As a large breed, she should have been at least 60 pounds but had walked out at a svelte 40.

“Probably a whole lot of other stuff too. We adopted a puppy,” the man huffed out a breath and turned to admire the underweight dog. “You’re sure about naming Perry?”

“Yeah. She definitely has mindless pet with secret agent skill vibes. Like she looks derpy but can kick serious butt,” the woman turned the car off the freeway and made a few turns until the bright red Petsmart sign lit up the car interior. “Should we take her inside so she can pick her food?”

The two humans watched the sleeping dog hesitantly.

“I don’t think we know her well enough to try it. And that collar doesn’t fit,” the man gestured to the second hand collar slid around Perry’s neck. “But she might also chew up your car… or poop in it.”

“Yeah, she’ll need a smaller one until we can fatten her up,” the woman sighed and decided leaving the newest family member in the car was the best idea. “And dogs have vomited and peed in this car before… why not add poop?”

The man made a face but let it go.

There was no arguing with the woman.

It took fifteen minutes to find food, engrave a collar tag and get pee pads. While inside, they discussed the best option for slow introduction to the household. An apartment was not ideal for a large puppy, the geriatric white German Shepherd who’d lived there before had been all too happy to lay on the floor and his heated bed while his degenerating hip bones moved slowly toward decalcification.

This Perry would probably eat the couch… or maybe the kitchen sink… Nothing Rider used as a bed before would be safe and there weren’t enough treats to keep her from chewing the plastic if she found them.

“We’ll need a real baby gate,” the woman stated, pulling into the garage and shutting the door. It was part of an ongoing conversation of all the ways the house was unprepared for Perry the Platypup. “But we’re going to do this right. Show her the apartment, show her outside, apartment, outside… probably give her food…”

A quick tour of the apartment on leash followed by an outdoor excursion ended when Perry guzzled a whole bowl of water. At the shelter, water was often shared and attracted insects and she’d turned her nose up at it repeatedly.

Perry would not drink the contaminated water.

“I guess give her food?” The man asked as the woman positioned a dog bed on the floor between the second bedroom and bathroom. In the empty space was an absorbent potty pad and a water dish. When she nodded, the man filled a food dish with a scoop of food and placed it in the wire holder.

The dog took a sniff and devoured every morsel.

“Well, that’s a good sign…”

After a few minutes of rest, they took her back outside to walk around. The pound had no idea what kind of food they fed her, so no matter what they fed her, her stomach was going to be sad. With the volume of water she’d had, they’d expected a fire hose of pee to go with the volcanic bowel evacuation.

Perry did nothing.

“Maybe she doesn’t have any waste?” The woman asked, but the man couldn’t imagine a world where that much went into a dog and didn’t come back out again. A camel, sure, but not a dog.

“Ten more minutes?” He suggested and Perry’s new mom shrugged, walking the Perry around the grass and trying to get her to make eye contact. She pranced her in a circle with occasional burst of running, but still the Perry did not make waste. The woman bobbed and weaved trying to look in her eyes to ask a question. “I guess we’ll call it a night?”

The dog wagged her tail slightly, and the two females agreed to go back inside. Perry was escorted to her hallway and two kitchen chairs blocked her exit.

A makeshift crate until they could get supplies.

“Do you really think that will keep her in?” The one male in the house asked, skeptical about his future wife’s ability to make a temporary canine containment.

“Maybe? We’ll block the bottom of the chairs,” she said, draping blankets to the exit look impassable.

It took Perry five minutes to Army low crawl out of the hallway and appear beside her freshly showered human mom.

“Stack totes in front?” She suggested and Perry’s new dad pulled some holiday decoration storage bins from the hall closet. Perry sat behind the minor wall, tail wagging as the humans studied her. “Do you think she’ll bark?”

Neither of them had an answer as they made their way to bed, listening for any signs of distress before they fell into a deep sleep.

Humom had no idea how long had passed when something cold and wet touched her face.

“Go away,” she grumbled, until a furry head snuggled in closer. That’s when the smell hit. “Oh Perry.”

Peeling open her eyelids, the woman saw the new family member sitting beside her bed. Paws turned out, tail wagging, Perry had poop on the bottom of her feet. Climbing out of bed, humom picked her way carefully to the light switch and illuminated… a gastrointestinal crime seen.

Perry had liquid pooped from one end of the apartment to the other. Criss-crossed with the actual poop were Perry paw prints as she’d made her mess and then pranced into the bedroom to sit beside her new mom to show what she’d done.

HuMom took Perry outside where she made 0 waste, and then brought her back in where HuDad had begun the clean-up process. Fully clean, Perry went back into her hallway while her new mom wisely decided to sleep on the couch.

The second her eyes closed, Perry was out and her hallway was filled with pee. When the woman turned away to clean up the pee, the baby German Shepherd pooped in front of the TV.

After a quick clean (Perry was running a little low on waste now), and another trip back outside, the woman laid on the couch with Perry beside it, exhausted and sore.

Well, Perry thought as her eyelids drooped closed. That will save them from boredom. They needed me to give them someone to care for.

(P & P Adventures is a short story written for elementary school students. The story was read and recorded for playing at an Author’s Around the World event in her hometown of Palmdale, CA. Though must of E. N. Crane’s stories involve dogs and childish humor, this is not representative of her usual work.)