“I want a puppy,” I said. Every day, for the last 3 years.  

                Three years might actually be an understatement. Some women, faced with their immortality and ticking biological clocks develop baby fever. They become obsessed with miniature clothes and shoes; batting their eyes at whatever hapless man is nearby (hopefully theirs) and saying, “Isn’t it darling? Can you just imagine?” In the voice of a southern belle which is strangely the voice my internal musings ascribe to them.

                I got puppy fever.

                Every time a litter of puppies was taken in by Westside, or a small dog would walk by, I’d coo and declare it an adorable fluffy fluffkins and mine. Of course, like human children, I also acknowledged the responsibilities that came with such an acquisition: cleaning up accidents, potty training, establishing feeding schedules, monitoring technology, new clothes, etc. Aside from putting money aside for college, there was no difference between a tiny human and a tiny doggo which is why I never pushed too hard on the puppy issue. They were cute, but I was busy and enjoyed cleanliness.

                Well, that and Rider probably would have suffocated any new dogs accidentally on purpose… with his teeth.

                With Riders passing, I acknowledged that I could get a puppy. I was excited by the idea of a puppy but not the actual work that goes into having a puppy. So I didn’t look at any dogs younger than 2 and made a special search of history to determine previous lifestyle choices. Owner surrenders would have, at worst, a small amount of house training. The older the dog, the more likely some asshole was trading in for the newer model. I searched and looked and was broken by all the faces of babies in need. Truth be told, I was ready to become one of those homeless people with a pack of dogs, except I’d have a job to feed everyone but it’s Southern CA so we couldn’t afford food and housing so we’d just be well fed homeless employed pack.

                If you read the previous post, you know the Origin Story of Perry the Platypup. If you don’t well… go read it. I’ll wait.

                Now that you are all caught up, you know that despite my best efforts, I have a puppy. A nibbling, chewing, energetic, and destructive puppy and I am exhausted. This revelation has lead me to declare: Things Puppy Parents Have in Common with the Parents of Newborns.

  • You wake up when they say you wake up.

Used to having a lie in on Saturday? Not anymore. Older dogs are content to sleep a little extra on the weekends, but 2 AM playtime on weekdays is still 2 AM playtime on weekends. She doesn’t need to be potty-ed or fed, she just wants you to wake up and love her.

  • None of your body parts are “private”.

When you have a tiny human, your whole body is publicly displayed and medically assessed and as a necessary part of tiny human care, exposed to fulfill basic needs (i.e. breastfeeding). Perry has declared any part of your human body an acceptable place to put her snoot. Just out of the shower? Boot snoot. New visitor? Cooch snoot. Laying on the couch and your belly button is exposed? Her nose is up in there. Apparently doggos are just as susceptible to Freud’s hole obsession as humans are because I feel violated.

  • If it can make noise, it will be making noise.

You know how babies are naturally curious, and one of the fun playtimes is teaching them about sound? Then as they enter toddler stage they make their own sounds, at volume 10, constantly and without regard for repetition? Perry does this with squeak toys. Especially if she feels she is being ignored. Watching TV or having a conversation? Squeak squeak squeak. Laying down to ready for sleep? Squeak squeak squeak. Resting your eyes after breakfast and morning walks? Squeak squeak squeak. Then, just when you’re ready to toss the lot into the nearest dumpster, the puppy and the tiny human will give you the delighted smile of a young ingénue and you’ll grin through gritted teeth and give them your approval.

  •  If it’s cute and it fits, you will buy it.

Remember that whole baby clothes analogy? Yeah, when you get a new dog they need new toys, new collars, new beds, leashes, treats, food, costumes, tooth brushes, and shampoo. Even if you already have these things from the last furry family member, clearly this pup is new and has a new personality and color scheme and could not possibly fit in the mold left by her predecessor. New parents go overboard on essentials and inessentials because they simply have no choice.

  • You find weird things in your pockets and that’s cool.

Remember being young and single and your pockets had cash and lint? Maybe a matchbook from last night’s bars? Napkin or post it note with the cuties phone number from the other night that you suddenly realize is yours because you never actually gave it to them? JK, I was born in 1987 and bars long since stopped giving matchbooks before I was 21 and you better believe my plastic generation has little knowledge of the wonders of cash or life before phone numbers were programmed. Now my pockets have poop bags, some slightly disintegrated dog treats, and (if I’m lucky) a tennis ball. The other day at the grocery store, I reached into my pocket for my wallet and came out with a glove, a poop bag (unused) and tissues. The woman in front of me had had a tiny human and she also had tissues in her pocket. Frankly, I think poop bags work on toddler waste too…

  • Their phone is full of photos and covered in a strange substance, both of which they will show you.

There are currently 1,668 photos and 45 videos on my phone. I don’t have an exact number, but you can scroll for 45 seconds at a decent clip before finding one that features a human face. Have you seen the phone of a new parent? Or their newsfeed? Probably not because it’s all baby pictures and you couldn’t remember that your friend ever existed before becoming a parent. I am also nothing more than memes, dog photos and running summaries. My Facebook posts are basically a glimpse into the insanity of love, health and loss. Or lack of all 3.

So if your friend has a new kid or a new puppy, do not expect them to be alert, awake, available or have decent hearing. It’s also probably not best to ask them for money or play the “What’s in your wallet?” game, because the answer is probably hand sanitizer.

So much hand sanitizer.