The many characters living in my head are annoying. If we haven’t met, you will probably think I’m crazy. If we have, you’ll know it’s true. When I write, I don’t always know where I’m going. My characters show up in my head one day and start talking like a Kindergartner who was given too much Fun Dip. I can write the story down, or I can listen to the same story on repeat in a very annoyed voice until I write it down.
There is no option where I just get to ignore them and do nothing.
On Saturday, I officially completed Barking for Business. It is the first book in the lighter, fluffier Cyn Sharp Series. It was a relief, a dream… the start of editing. Mind you, my editor edits along with me. So most of my more egregious errors and plot holes are gone. No, now I have to go through and remove repetitive words and phrases, think of something new to put there instead and check if a person who hasn’t lived with these people inside her head will understand. Meanwhile, the next book won’t go away. It won’t stop giving me plot points and jokes, full scenes with dialogue and blocking. Literally, not one day where they don’t expect me to do something.
Where I expect me to do something.
When I wrote the Ampersand Series, I did none of this. I wrote, my mom checked for errors and I just published them. I was convinced they were brilliant and perfect in every way. Then the reviews came in and I faltered. Many of them I can chalk up to taste, but some challenged my skill to even tell a story at all. Since this happened, I haven’t been able to look at them. I was so excited to have them all and read through them like any other reader, and now I’m scared. Scared that they are as terrible as all the men who reviewed Book 3 say they are. Terrified that Bridgette really is whiny and annoying like my most recent Goodreads Review says. Petrified, honestly, to acknowledge what I already know.
They weren’t perfect.
I didn’t “write a book”. I churned a series out like an addict doing lines of coke on her dining room table (cough Without Intention reference cough). My own ego told me they were brilliant and perfect and ready to be set free. In my heart, they still are. In reality, after being a member of the incredibly supportive writing community, there is so much more to do. So much more I could and really should have done.
For example, I gave myself a deadline for Book 2 without fully preparing myself for the ramifications of imperfections. That book was intended to come from a place of pain and hurt, but also ass-kicking and heroism. I was so impatient to leave the bad place behind, I didn’t go back through and check that the actions coincided with the characters or made sense in the circumstance. Basically, I thought my writing was good enough, no one would notice the strange behaviors of my imaginary people.
This time, I want to do everything by the book (ha ha, I’m punny). I have Beta-Readers, a nice distant release date between completion and publication, and a whole host of suggestions and ideas to incorporate. I have time to give myself distance and re-visit it. I have time. Probably it’s not that long a time for many authors, but it’s agonizing for me. I was that kid who submitted her assignments as soon as they were done just to be done. No matter the benefits of distance and review, I just wanted to set my work free. Do things, be done and never look back.
So in a way, being done early is just as stressful to me as being done just under the wire. I have time to set up ads and release date campaign strategies. Time to revisit, edit and agonize over whether or not it’s worth anyone’s time. Maybe I should scrap it, maybe anxiety should win and I should cancel everything. My characters, my heart and my brain say it’s done and if I’m not releasing it, it’s obviously not worth releasing.
Sharing it as is wouldn’t be… decent. Like going outside without pants on, you can but it’s not wise. It’s good and I’m happy, but it can be better. I owe it to the people who read The Ampersand Series to make it better.
It’s an obsession. A wonderful author who reviewed the beginning said I need to distance myself and just let it be for now. Except I can’t. If I’m not working on it, then it’s done and should just be published. If it’s not published, t’s not done and I have to keep working. The more I work on it, the more I think it’s done because I haven’t gotten any feedback because I JUST FINISHED IT!
So, in an effort to not pull my hair out and change my cover for a fourth time (sorry Dad!), I’m obsessing in this blog post. I am mildly ranting and typing and pointing out all my own flaws in an effort not to repeat them. Even now, the document is open on my computer, just in case. Except I’m supposed to leave it alone. But what if a brilliant idea comes and I need to immediately write it in? What if I ruin everything? What if…. What if…. What if I need to be sedated?
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Does this woman even know what she’s doing? Should I get her help?”
I do not, and you probably should. Plus a nappy nap and a snacky snack.
Probably also coffee because the waiting has interfered with my ability to sleep.
