I’ve been on sick leave from work since the beginning of June. I’ve lost track of the day of the week, the time of day and any semblance of a schedule. I have treatment four hours a day, three days a week and other than that, I have nothing. Dog walks, house cleaning, yard work… I just wander from room to room, restless and exhausted.
How did people survive COVID Isolation Orders?
I WAS essential, my life didn’t change except I got to live the introverts dream of avoiding people and staying inside. I used the time Disney was closed and races were cancelled to write the Ampersand Series, plan a wedding, craft all aspects of it, and develop a healthy appreciation for the art of telephone food orders. Now… now I’m lost.
When my doctor put me off work, I admit I was excited to be a stay at home dog mom. I thought I would write all day and play with the pups and work on getting better. Except once the “really, I’m fine” mask came off… I couldn’t do anything. It’s a paralyzing sense of confusion and loss to admit you can’t pretend anymore. This is my new normal until I get better.
But… what am I supposed to do? My creative energy is completely drained and I don’t know where to start any new projects. I started looking into Wicca to see if I can improve myself by channeling my intentions and being dedicated to my desires. Which basically means now I have moon water and a lot of candles.
Also, I’m a little disappointed in Moon Water. Did you know it was just water you meditated next to during the full moon and allowed to absorb the lunar energy while you used that same energy to infuse your goals into it? No one told me when I set out to do my Strawberry Moon ceremony that I would need to have actual, tangible goals. I started Wicca last Friday and I’m already bad at it because I don’t have any clearly defined goals.
I wish there was a goal store… like the Unicorn Store where you can walk in and browse goals and options and pick one. Like a one size fits all inspiration for life and possibilities. Some people use the internet, or podcasts or just have a deep, well-defined sense of self that guides their life. The only thing my inner compass tells me to do is eat cheese and stare at dogs. It doesn’t even tell me to write anymore. It doesn’t tell me anything useful, just eat cheese and pet dogs.
So… what did everyone else do? How did you stay home without obligations or needs beyond survival? I’ve read a few books but I tend to snack while reading and I worked very hard to lose my Glendale Weight and I’d rather not gain it back all at once.
Moving Forward (1 Month Later)
I started this post on sick leave. I went to therapy 12 hours a week and felt drained. It was my hope to find some clarity in my path and my journey, but what I found is that what I want and what the world can offer are not the same.
Once again, I’m on a piece of driftwood out at sea deciding if I’m looking for land or a place to drown comfortably.
Last Monday, I started a new job. I am full time, temporary and I admit that the impermanence made it exciting. What I didn’t know, and they don’t tell you when you’re hired, is that temporary employees are auditioning for permanent roles and if you show yourself to be of value, they will work to keep you. So… now I have guilt.
The work is easy. I started a week before the new department head came in and he is a funny, intelligent, competent man. I would honestly work for him forever without hesitation. He comes up with ideas, passes them to me and lets me run with them. I’ve had so much freedom to learn, grow and create in the week he’s worked here.
Most of the people I collaborate with to get things done are solid, hard-working people. It’s the rest. Drama, cliques, senses of entitlement, frustration, accusations of mistreatment. This place has all its dirty laundry on display and none of it is new. I met a woman who had a parallel experience to someone I spoke with and she was hired ten years prior.
What I struggle with is guilt.
If I leave, if I turn tail and run back to the safety of my self-isolation where therapy works because it’s a vacuum with no outside influence, will they be mad? Will I come off as ungrateful, rude and rotten? I was literally just those things and I don’t want to be them again. I am also, however, not equipped to come in and carry someone else’s long-standing burden. The fight has gone out of me. I’ve lost my spark and until I can find a new one, I don’t have the compassion or ambition to face these challenges head on.
I finished Chasing Empty Caskets yesterday. The next Cyn Sharp novel is ready to rock and roll… to the editing phase. I’ve been invited to attend an author workshop/conference with a scholarship for my admission fees and I’m excited… I’m ambitious… I feel like I’ve wasted everyone’s money.
My confidence, my sense of self, is shattered. I’m trying to find value in my skills and talents, but I can’t seem to remember what my skills and talents are. This also means the my spells and intentions to forgive and heal are short-term. They don’t stick, or last, or guide me when my mind goes down the dark path of personal torment.
For better or worse, this is where I am, and I’m just struggling to be here. Some days are better than others, and some days are the stuff that sends me spiraling into a world of nightmares and depression. So in the words of Kate Allen with the Latest Kate, I’m just taking it 24 Hours at a Time.
