I can take any song and change the words to be about Rider. Most recently “500 hundred twenty five thousand six hundred Riders. How do you measure, measure the fur.” Prior to that “Rider dog do do doo” because who wants to sing about baby sharks. This has gotten to be a common understanding amongst anyone who works in my work space as I have also made a rap about Rider on Snapchat. Unfortunately, singing songs about my dog while working alone has gotten me more than one strange look from people who do not work in this basement and happened to find themselves down here.
Strangely, this does not bother me. I truly believe that if there are people who judge the mindless sounds that occupy my mind, and desire to criticize or attack me for such activities, they are narrow minded monsters who wouldn’t know what unconditional love looks like if it bit them. When you love someone, they are at the front of your mind and any person with a creative mind and a penchant for getting songs in their head, will find themselves singing about what they love. A person who finds such things offensive, abnormal or inappropriate has probably never loved a living creature, or doesn’t understand the mind of a creative person.
Which begs the question, why are there not more songs about dogs? “Who Let the Dogs Out” was about less than attractive women at the club. “Hound Dog” is also about women, in this case crying or nagging. “How Much is that Doggie in the Window” is about someone getting a dog so that the person they love won’t miss them in their absence. Billy Currington “Like My Dog” is basically asking a human to love like his dog, but that’s simply not possible. Humans don’t deserve dogs. Dogs love unconditionally and we have much higher expectations of other humans than we do of puppers. The truth is, I expect literally nothing of Rider but to be adorable and look happy to see me at the end of every day. I expect myself (and Michael) to go to work so that Rider can eat and have a place to live (I guess also us but that seems less important than making sure Rider has these things). I expect Michael to forgive Rider quickly when he is sick and has an accident and provide him food and clean water in a timely manner. I am far more angry when he prioritizes work over Rider care than when Rider wakes me up at 2AM to go outside. Mostly because I’m not angry at Rider at all, just tired, and he didn’t choose to have to go pee at 2AM anymore than my body makes such terrible choices. Michael, on the other hand, chose to work later knowing he is the only assistance available to floofy Mc Monster Face (aka Rider). This is why there should be more songs about dogs than the romantic love between people. People are constantly placing burdens and expectations on each other. I want to say it’s not fair, but I think it is.
The truth is, human beings deserve the strings attached love they offer one another because humans are selfish. They want people to love them for whom they are and accept their flaws, but we struggle to accept the flaws in others. Sometimes I wonder if we get so mad when other people have differing priorities because it makes what we value most look trivial to the outside world. Maybe we can’t accept the flaws in others because we are still struggling to accept the flaws in ourselves. Then again, my dog is perfect so I must be perfect and there is really nothing to accept so people should just automatically love me. You know, besides the food intolerances, mental illness, asthma, gastrointestinal limitations, online shopping addiction and control issues. I mean other than that, I’m perfect. So is my dog. I think this is the beginning of my new song. I will perform it Linda Belcher style at a hamburger restaurant until I get a record deal. A record deal or an arrest record, whichever happens first.
