What makes you happy? When you think about the happiest, most life defining joys you experience, what are they? Are they a constant source of joy or a fleeting sense of happiness soon lost? Aside from seeing a fluff butt on four legs, I haven’t really a clue.
I’m unnecessarily attached to online shopping. Not just for “things” but for races, events, tickets, trips. I need to constantly be planning and acquiring because I believe if I can just have or do “X” I’ll be happy. X can be anything from a shirt with a snappy saying, a camping trip somewhere new, or a snack that I want to try. I don’t need any of these things. I can run without getting a medal (so long as your definition of running is very loosely defined) but I still want to sign up for races. I have an excessive amount of athletic clothing that I could mix and match and be differently attired for a year, but I still want some new shirt or running skirt I see. I can drive 5 minutes and go hiking by my house, cook food on the outdoor grill, and sleep on an air mattress on the back patio, but I still want to go camping and pay to do that somewhere else.
Sometimes I truly believe if I stop moving I’ll die. If I don’t plan or reserve or shop it will all just come to a crushing and defeated end. I’ll have to admit that I am flawed and my life has little to no tangible meaning in the great wide world. I can’t change the opinion of others, I can’t save people with my voice, I can’t even make eye contact with strangers without my heart accelerating to near bursting. I am a powerless cog in a broken machine without any hope of fixing or leaving. I have some incredible friends. Friends who use their voice, their diversity, their intelligence and beauty, to do incredible things. They inspire others, they daily push back against the forces pushing against them and move forward, persistent tenacious and perfect. They will not let anyone tell them who a person of their nationality, gender or ideology should be and I can only offer support and be there. Stand quietly beside them nodding that they are right and amazing.
Happiness is so poorly defined in its limitless potential and fleeting state. No human can go through being completely happy without exception, and yet when those moments of pain, doubt and fear kick in, we doubt if we had ever really been happy at all. Recently, everyone has been on me about my weight. Every doctor of every specialty has taken it upon themselves to make suggestions on how best to rectify my morbidly obese body and demand I do something. From diet suggestions, to exercise regimes, to medicating my binge eating disorder, there is no medical professional who looks at me and says, “You’re a little squishy, but your active and you eat vegetables at most every meal, so eh?”. Yet I look in the mirror, and I don’t hate my body. It’s squishy and flawed and lacking in muscle definition in most places, but it can run and swim and dance. It has never once failed to do what I have asked it to do (within reason of course, I still can’t fly). My hands can reach and pet dogs, lift Rider into my car and hold the leashes of shelter dogs to get them out on a hike. My legs and lungs can hike over 500 ft in elevation gain and not break down or require assistance. My brain can create thoughts and words that hopefully reflect a person you like, but I admit that if you are not currently in control of an animal I want to play with, your opinion of me is completely irrelevant.
The trouble is, I’m not sure anyone knows how to be happy. For every problem you resolve, there is another standing by to take its place. You get a job that pays well, but it makes you frustrated and then you exceed your budget trying to compensate for the stress. You get a better job, and then you have longer hours with more stress and consequently your dog is sitting at home alone trying to break into the pet food container and they bark when you walk in because they don’t know you anymore. I have problems, you have problems, and we all have struggles and limitations. People telling us what we love, how we feel and who we are, is wrong. So it all becomes more personal. What makes you happy and are you willing to give it up for what someone else says should make you happy?
On my days off, I can go for a run at an athletic pace and improve my cardio while the air is cool, or I can take Rider on a leisurely walk so he can enjoy spending time outside with me. I choose Rider. I can do HIIT workouts in the living room or visit a park and enjoy fresh air. I choose the park (with Rider). If presented with the opportunity to enjoy wine and cheese with people I love, or sit home and eat healthy, I’ll choose friends. No one is going to meet the ideas and expectations of everyone surrounding us 100 percent of the time (unless you are a Rider who is perfect), so we might as well factor in our enjoyment in with the opinions of those external forces, because it is still our lives after all.
